Already notice a difference

I posted yesterday about the realization that I had about the change I needed to make in my attitude towards God.  I do not believe he willed the abuse to happen, but I do believe he will make good out of everything and my life can be abundant and blessed.  Well, every morning, I do my “groovy thinkin'”, creating deeper grooves in my brain so my little brain cart takes the path I choose with my thoughts so I can have the outcome I dream of.  Yesterday, after my shift in my attitude, I noticed when I did my groovy thinkin’,  I didn’t feel an edge.  It was like the part of me that had a clenched jaw and firmly crossed arms when I was previously doing my groovy thinkin’ -was now gone.  No more edge or questioning or disbelief.  When I was saying the positive thoughts and beliefs, I actually felt hope!  Like all the things I was saying could really happen!




She is missing out

You know how God teaches you something by showing you what is right in front of your face?  Yeah.  That happened to me yesterday.  The relationship building with someone close to me has had its ups and downs but after the first down, never got back up to the first up.  The relationship has been strained and weary.  Forced and disappointing.  I keep asking myself…”Why can’t she just forgive and move on?”  “We are not the enemy.”  “We are on her side.”  “She is missing out on how great it can be.”

I was praying for this relationship yesterday at adoration.


My relationship with Him has been strained and weary.  Forced and disappointing.  “Why can’t I just forgive and move on?”  “He is not the enemy.”  “He is on my side.”  “I am missing out on how great it can be.”

The relationship became like that after my sexual abuse memories started coming back and I started asking, “How could a loving God allow that to happen to a little girl?”  “Why were the people put here to care for me abusing me?”  “I am just a his puppet with him pulling the strings, controlling my life, seeing how much I can take.”  And the nasty consoling words of the “wise ones”  that “God never gives you more than you can handle.”


That implies that God gave me the abuse.


I don’t believe that God willed it to happen but I do believe he will bring good out of it.  Just as he promised.  He can take the bullshit and make it beautiful.

I have been educated of the knowledge of his plan of sheer goodness for me, and it is now time for me to trust.  Not an easy thing for someone who has been abused, manipulated and betrayed for almost half of her life.  Not easy, but possible.

And I am tired of missing out.

Great Resource for Sexual Abuse Survivors

If you are not already on their email list, get on it. They know what they are talking about!  I wrote my post yesterday and woke up to their weekly newsletter addressing the same issue.

They are awesome!  They are Committed to Freedom.

Check them out!


We usually hear little kids yell that as they grab back something precious that was taken from them.  That little child may then be educated by a parent, teaching the child how to share and that grabbing and yelling is rude and selfish.

What if that something that is taken from a child is their purity?

Mine was taken from me from the time I was a baby until I was 21.  It is only now that I feel myself searching for things that I want to be just MINE.  A rocker.  A bath towel.  A toothbrush. I have thought it odd that it makes my blood boil when someone else uses MY toothbrush or I go to use MY towel and it is already damp from a shower earlier, not from me.  Or I come home from work and someone is sitting in MY chair.

I was reflecting on it yesterday and it occurred to me that I was trying to reclaim something that was just MINE. Because my body, that was supposed to be mine, was taken and used by person after person after person.  It started with the fondling, the touching and the violations, over and over and over.  After I became a wife, I was told my body belonged to my husband.  Then, I was a nursing mother.  My body pretty much has never been mine.  And that is a fact, not just my feeling.  And I don’t think that is right.  As a matter of fact it is a tragedy.  And it happens to 1 out of 4 girls out there.  Tragedy.

So it appears there is an inherent need to claim our bodies as our own.  And when they are taken from us, we actually begin a journey to reclaim it.  I would even suggest that the origin of the women who say that their bodies are their own and they have a choice when they are pregnant are reacting to this situation, the longing to claim their bodies as their own.  It makes me sad  that a baby dies in lots of these situations, but I can now understand that intense longing that drives their decision.

So the desire to claim our bodies as our own is a very real circumstance, however I need to do it in a way that doesn’t hurt or even kill someone else.  I also need to be aware of the truth that my body IS NOW MINE!  The abuse is over, the nursing is done.  And I can say no.

But wait a minute.  There is a little matter of stewardship that the Catholic church teaches that everything we have comes from God, that we belong to him.  So is my body mine or his?  I am choosing to believe, check that, I NEED TO BELIEVE that MY BODY IS MINE.  I need to reclaim it.  Own it.  Take care of it.  I really don’t give a shit what any theology says.  I have found, as a sexual abuse survivor, I struggle with lots of messages from the church that I feel they just want us to swallow.  Well, my body is MINE and I am choosing what I digest.

what happens when I can’t use the balm

Man, I thought I was further along in my recovery.  I am trying to lose weight and when I cannot use food to salve my deep wounds, life sucks.  Everything is much harder.  I am much more negative.  And pissy.  But it seems to boil down to lack of hope that anything will get better.  I have been waiting 28 YEARS for my dream house.  I am tired of living in a 2 bedroom house with 1/2 of what we own in a storage locker.    Guess I just haven’t been patient enough.  Oh but I am supposed to believe that God has a plan of sheer goodness for me, right?  Well, my faith is shaken folks.  I am tired.  Tired of the pain. Tired of waiting.  Tired of working so hard.

I learn when I teach

I love teaching my confirmation class!  These 10 freshmen are interactive and bright.  Tonight we defined sin, and made it clear that the death and resurrection of Jesus Christ saves us from our sin.  We listed the 7 deadly sins and the 7 heavenly virtues which helps us counter the those deadly sins.  Why are they called “deadly?”  Because they are at the root of the rest.  As we talked about examples of those sins, I realized how much work I have to do.  Yikes.

I actually told her “Thanks anyway”

I am finally feeling more confident in who I am and what I want and finally being able to just say “Thanks anyway” when someone offers something to me that I truly am not interested in.  In the not so distant past, I would waffle a bit and then say “Ok” to whatever suggestion is made to me, and totally regretting a change in my plans.  Now I am not amiss to new ideas, but I finally am done with feeling manipulated, especially with offers to purchase something for me.  It is so freeing to just say “Thanks anyway.”

What statements have freed you?

This always happens

As much analyzing of myself and behavior patterns that I have done, I haven’t been able to stop this.

As soon as I get on a roll losing weight, day after day, and I start looking past the day I am working on, the next day, the numbers on the scale go up!  Every time!  It’s a tricky thing and discouraging too.

But I guess the behavior of my day today dictates my success tomorrow, so for this instance, I must stay entrenched in the task and not allow myself to pull out and look ahead.  That is when I trip up.  For me,  when I stop looking right where I am, I trip up.   It doesn’t work for me to stay focused on the final goal.  If I shoot to complete my eating and working out tasks for the day, my goal will automatically happen.

Can you relate?

When the Sun is behind you


Yesterday when I was run/walking my 5K, I noticed the sun was behind me creating a very tall shadow of me in front of me.  I smiled as I realized the when the Son (Jesus) is behind me, I can walk very tall.  I can be better than just being alone.  How amazing is that?

Who’s got your back?

It’s still there

Had a rough day yesterday.  And as I was driving home early this morning to a cloud-filled sky, it occurred to me that even though the I cannot see any of the sun’s rays streaming through the clouds, the sun is still there.  Whether I see it or not, it is still there.  I can trust in that truth.


Just like I can trust in the truth that God has a plan of sheer goodness for me.  Whether or not I see the rays of hope shining through or feel the warmth of His presence, He is still there.  I can trust in that truth.

And I am all about truth.