Abuse is funny thing. It seems that person abused continues to get abused even after the actual event or events have taken place. It seems to me that when the abused has enough courage to reveal the horror of what happened to him/her, is it assumed that the abused is lying and that the abuser is innocent. (Now I know there is a fraction, a much publicized sliver of folks who falsely accuse, who actually have created the situation for the rest of us. But I would venture to guess those that falsely accuse have some issue that they are seeking justice for, they just couldn’t get the right message through.) Other than the few previously mentioned, What does the abused have to gain by letting the “cat out of the bag?” Peace of mind. Which is something MasterCard and VISA cannot even come close to- though they market to those who are trying to find it. And that is a lot of us. I recall a bumper sticker that reads: “If you want Peace, work for Justice.” Well, I am not so sure about justice, but I need peace of mind. I didn’t make everything up. It isn’t all in my head. But I have no one’s testimony but my own. And I have plenty to argue against me, and have been. But I am grateful for the analogy the Lord has given me. If you have ever watched a boat go by, there is a wake in the water that follows it. A wake that travels longer and wider than the boat itself. If you missed the boat going by, but see the wake, you know that the boat has been by even though you missed that actual watercraft. The evidence of the wake proves the presence of the boat. That is how it is with me. No one saw any boats go by. But the wake of the sexual abuses that I have experienced is still rippling in the water to this day. So my conscious mind takes that as proof. The mind is a powerful thing. As is the body. Or more specifically, body memory. If the world denies the abuse that the body and mind, conscious or subconscious, knows occurred, there is further abuse and the abused is further traumatized. So where is the justice and where is the peace? Not so sure about the justice for me at this point as I cannot afford any court battles, but I am looking for peace of mind. I would venture to guess that those that don’t find it don’t stay on this earth for long. It is too painful. Where’s the justice there? But maybe they have peace. The God I know is merciful and Just. So I have to continue to trust that justice will eventually be done. His Justice. His Perfect Justice. Which also brings His Peace. Success.
Today is my dad’s birthday. I sometimes get his birthday and my sister’s birthday mixed up. Hers is on the 12th and his is on the 13th. The sister I didn’t know I had until I was 27 years old. Secrets. I found out about her the same year I found the napkin from my parents wedding with the date February 1965 when I thought they had been married in ’64. More secrets. I for one am done with them. And with the damage they do. My body cannot handle them anymore. 19 years of pain and wondering is over. It is truly amazing to me how much my struggle with weight it tied in to my pain of abuse. I am so thankful for the resources the Lord has given me to process what I need to process- in Truth. Thankful that I am able to look at my body’s signs of what I need to take care of. What needs to be looked at and addressed. And it never stopped talking to me. And it got and louder and louder until I responded. It all makes sense now. The timing makes sense. Well I am in tune and motivated. And not in the mood for any secrets…Well maybe one, when my husband turns 50 next year. Shhh.