Not inspirational to me anyway

So I am really struggling who to listen to, who to get daily inspiration from.  Folks that I have followed in the past are stirring me up now.  I get a physical sick feeling in my stomach sometimes with what they say.  Things that I used to think were good for me.

But I’ve dug a whole lot of new grooves.  Healthy thoughts leading me in a better direction and those past guru’s don’t seem to hold as much wisdom for me.

Like this morning, my daily inspiration from Matthew Kelly.  “Life is not about getting what you want.”   I read it and wanted to throw up.  Maybe it is because of my abusive past, which I WANTED TO STOP.  So reading this, I shouldn’t have wanted it to stop because that is not what life is about.  Bullshit.  I think I’ll be unsubscribing to that daily email.

Well, that makes subconscious sense

Any one that has been abused in any way, let me even say traumatized in any way, has a multitude of things that go on.  And we all handle the effects of that trauma in different ways.  Our body reacts physically to the trauma and cause changes that actually lock it into our DNA.  Whatever impressions we have or beliefs we make at the time are also locked in.  Impressions and beliefs can be consciously changed by digging new grooves and filling those old trauma grooves with the fresh dirt from the grooves of truth.  But we must first realize what the impressions or beliefs are that are driving us.

That understanding was necessary for me to have in order to share what I finally understood about the diet program that I have been having great success with since August 17, 2015.  As of today, I am down 47.2 pounds!

frontpicsIMG_0416

 

 

 

 

 

sidepicsIMG_0417

 

 

 

 

 

I feel great and am planning to drop another 35-40.

I have been an advocate/coach of health and fitness at some level for over 40 years.  I have worked at a local health club, done jazzercise, tons of workout videos, treadmill, stationary bike, and taken drops, shakes, supplements, but until now, not found a program that really addresses the truth of the situation.  We have to eat less food.  Period.  I have been spending years trying to manipulate the situation so I could eat more and still lose weight.  Not possible folks.

I know I have been using food as tool.  Stuffing my feelings inside.  Making myself fat so I wouldn’t be pretty so I would get raped AGAIN.  All of those things for years subconsciously controlled my behavior.  I have spent alot of time and effort digging new grooves and retraining my brain that food is merely fuel.  It is not a reward, it is not a treat, it is not the way to escape.  It is still hard as the other unhealthy grooves were REALLY, REALLY DEEP.  But it is working.

Except one thing.

I have a hard time contacting the group when I need help, when I feel like cheating.  Now, they encourage us to reach out and contact whenever we need help or have a question.  The encourage it all the time. It is one of the foundations of their program:  I agreed to ask for help when I felt like not doing the program or had a question.  I have learned to ask for help in other areas of my life, so why is this so hard?

Well, for one thing, asking for help makes us vulnerable.  And in my experience, being vulnerable gets you abused.  That is a fact for me.  I was sexually abused from the time I was little until I was 18, multiple times by multiple men, so being vulnerable was not a healthy thing.  Even asking for help was not safe as that backfired on me.  So I learned to handle everything on my own.  That was the only safe way to survive.  Fact.

But the abuse is over now.  And I have S-L-O-W-L-Y learned to trust again.

But who to trust?  I am very observant, as I have had to be in my experience, to try to be prepared for what was coming, so I see and notice alot.  And here is what I have observed about F.A.S.T. Diet out of Omaha Nebraska.

They are knowledgeable.  They are timely and thorough and have proven methods.  They are truthful and not gimmicky.  They are incredibly reasonably priced. They don’t pull any punches and require daily accountability but they are understanding.  They have the tools in place to help you succeed.  So why am I having such a hard time being vulnerable with them when I am struggling?

It occurred to me this morning.  Their website address is meanestmanindieting.com.

So every night when I check in, I see that website address.  EVERY SINGLE NIGHT.  Every night for the last 164 days it has been visually reinforced to me that this group is the “meanest man in dieting.”  That groove is getting dug deep in my brain.

So what’s the big deal you ask?  So what if he is mean?  Well, in my experience, mean men abuse me.  And I know other mean men who abuse people I care about.  So it would not make subconscious sense for me to allow myself to be vulnerable to a mean man.

And that make perfect conscious sense to me.

Taking even more energy?

So my last post was about running in the outside lane of track getting you to the finish line but in longer time.  I was thinking about that in Groovy Thinkin’ terms too.

Am I digging a path that in not as direct as it can be?  Am I spending too much energy with my head down taking out shovelful after shovelful without even looking up to check my progress and direction?  Have a veered off-course, even a little bit?

It is important in any long term project or healing work to take a break, look around, see your progress, and maybe even enjoy the fruits of your labor and then make sure you taking the shortest distance to get you to your goal.  Why dig more than you have to?

sad-fed-up-tired-young-woman-sitting-overflowing-full-suitcase-attractive-clothes-spilling-out-unable-to-close-running-53536582

Taking more energy than necessary?

I just read a reflection from Tony Dean entitled “Pick a Lane.”  I liked it as he used the analogy of a track, describing that each in their own lane will reach the finish line, but those in the outside lanes may take longer and those on the inside lanes would get there the fastest.

It got me thinking…Is there anything that I am working on that is taking too long?  Would a slight modification move me to an inner lane and thus quicker to the finish line?  I still have the same goal, but perhaps can get there in fewer steps?

How about you? Taking more energy than necessary?

running-track-close-up-red-lines-41473845

Too many grooves?

Ever been on a diet?  [hand raise] Whenever you are on a program and follow it for a while, grooves are formed.

Ever stop a diet?  [hand raise] Just because you stopped the program, it doesn’t mean those grooves don’t exist anymore.

On the cbark-whichever-way-wind-blows-texture-abstract-closeup-background-tree-australian-nature-greyish-full-grooves-61738181ontrary.  The more programs you try, the more grooves are formed.

I have found myself, while on a new diet program, feeling weak and thinking to the “easier parts” of programs that I have done and starting to piece together a mish-mash of a program that doesn’t get me anywhere.  I am going along and then distraction shines a light on those old grooves that have gotten somewhat filled in but not all the way, so they are tempting.

It is important for me to make conscious decisions, talking out loud even, to keep me on the current path I have chosen.  Other visions or fleeting thoughts will get me going in circles.  And I have done enough of that in my life.

 

I meant what I said

This past Christmas, I gave a gift to the Christ-child. I told him I would stop abusing my body.  Specifically in the form of making myself throw-up.  I have been bulimic off and on, if that is even possible, since I was 15.  Since I couldn’t take the sexual abuse anymore.  It has continued to some degree for the past 36 years.  If I am upset with myself, I’ll make myself throw-up.  If I am angry, I will make myself throw-up to punish myself.  If I am hurt, I will figure out a way to blame myself and throw-up.  If I over-eat, I will be made at myself and make myself throw-up.

But my gift to Jesus on his birthday this year was to STOP.

No more.

Done.

And the way I need to accomplish this is by digging new grooves in my brain.  Digging new thought patterns and filling in the old grooves so I stop defaulting to that thinking.

I over ate tonight by 88 calories.  I am so mad at myself.  But I am not going to do it.  I am not going to make myself throw-up.

Happy Birthday Jesus.

 

IT’S MINE!!!

We usually hear little kids yell that as they grab back something precious that was taken from them.  That little child may then be educated by a parent, teaching the child how to share and that grabbing and yelling is rude and selfish.

What if that something that is taken from a child is their purity?

Mine was taken from me from the time I was a baby until I was 21.  It is only now that I feel myself searching for things that I want to be just MINE.  A rocker.  A bath towel.  A toothbrush. I have thought it odd that it makes my blood boil when someone else uses MY toothbrush or I go to use MY towel and it is already damp from a shower earlier, not from me.  Or I come home from work and someone is sitting in MY chair.

I was reflecting on it yesterday and it occurred to me that I was trying to reclaim something that was just MINE. Because my body, that was supposed to be mine, was taken and used by person after person after person.  It started with the fondling, the touching and the violations, over and over and over.  After I became a wife, I was told my body belonged to my husband.  Then, I was a nursing mother.  My body pretty much has never been mine.  And that is a fact, not just my feeling.  And I don’t think that is right.  As a matter of fact it is a tragedy.  And it happens to 1 out of 4 girls out there.  Tragedy.

So it appears there is an inherent need to claim our bodies as our own.  And when they are taken from us, we actually begin a journey to reclaim it.  I would even suggest that the origin of the women who say that their bodies are their own and they have a choice when they are pregnant are reacting to this situation, the longing to claim their bodies as their own.  It makes me sad  that a baby dies in lots of these situations, but I can now understand that intense longing that drives their decision.

So the desire to claim our bodies as our own is a very real circumstance, however I need to do it in a way that doesn’t hurt or even kill someone else.  I also need to be aware of the truth that my body IS NOW MINE!  The abuse is over, the nursing is done.  And I can say no.

But wait a minute.  There is a little matter of stewardship that the Catholic church teaches that everything we have comes from God, that we belong to him.  So is my body mine or his?  I am choosing to believe, check that, I NEED TO BELIEVE that MY BODY IS MINE.  I need to reclaim it.  Own it.  Take care of it.  I really don’t give a shit what any theology says.  I have found, as a sexual abuse survivor, I struggle with lots of messages from the church that I feel they just want us to swallow.  Well, my body is MINE and I am choosing what I digest.

This always happens

As much analyzing of myself and behavior patterns that I have done, I haven’t been able to stop this.

As soon as I get on a roll losing weight, day after day, and I start looking past the day I am working on, the next day, the numbers on the scale go up!  Every time!  It’s a tricky thing and discouraging too.

But I guess the behavior of my day today dictates my success tomorrow, so for this instance, I must stay entrenched in the task and not allow myself to pull out and look ahead.  That is when I trip up.  For me,  when I stop looking right where I am, I trip up.   It doesn’t work for me to stay focused on the final goal.  If I shoot to complete my eating and working out tasks for the day, my goal will automatically happen.

Can you relate?

Respect for Life

My mother-in-law was just officially diagnosed with moderate Alzheimer’s.  We knew her memory was declining but to hear the words was numbing.  My husband wondered out loud when would the day come that we would go to see her and she wouldn’t know who we were.  It made me think and be convicted in the reality that we needed to still care for her, whether she knows who we are or not.  Her life still has value.  She has been created in the image and likeness of her creator.  And that fact alone has value.  She has value.

Easy for me to say now as she still recognizes me.  Good opportunity for me to grow.

Losing weight can be scary

What?  Scary?  How about Fantastic!?  Wonderful!?

Nope.  For me it is scary at times.  Why?

My padding is disappearing.

My figure is coming back.

I am feeling beautiful again, even sexy at times.

And then it happens.

groovesp14The groves created and reinforced in the my mind:  “It was your fault because of how you dressed, how you looked.”  “You actually caused him to do that.”  “If you didn’t look so good, it wouldn’t have happened to you.”

And then I stop, and counter.  “Wait a minute.  I didn’t MAKE anyone do anything to me.”  “What was done to me was WRONG.”  “I am allowed to be thin and pretty and beautiful.”

I am working on filling the grooves in my mind and creating new ones.

How about you?  What thoughts does your mind default to?