Dang It!

When I was at adoration on Tuesday, I read this reflection about water and had this amazing analogy and story come to my head that I thought would make a perfect blog post. But – again –  I didn’t take the time to write it!  I am so mad at myselfrustrationf!  God has made it clear to me that I need to do this regularly.  For whatever purpose He has, I am supposed to do it.  Again and again He has told me.  And I have yet to follow through.

Dang it!

Maybe this time I can stick with it.

After all, today will be the 354th day in a row that I have worked out for 30 minutes or more!

And writing is way less foreboding than some of the workouts I have done in the past almost-year.

Isn’t it?

Have you had anything that you know you should be doing regularly and can’t get in a groove to do it?

The Image of Water

water-dropSymbolically and literally, how often is water used to cleanse us, refresh us and quench our thirst?

I believe that part of the problem with survivors of sexual abuse is that water becomes polluted and if we used the same analogies found in scripture but don’t take into account how we might be misinterpreting things because what should have been life-giving is now toxic, we can get messed up.

We can get a wrong impression of God.  Especially when the abuse happens when you are very young.  You grow up thinking things are normal, because that is all you know, but then when you start to see some things that are not what you are used to or things you believe are challenged as truth, you must look at the “life giving source” to see if it has been polluted.

The beauty of the situation is that God is the ultimate purifier!  He can cleanse anything, good as new.

However, the issue is now that your system has been permeated and you must be cleansed.  And if you have ever done a detox, sometimes you get breakouts, headaches and you feel worse before you feel better.

But, as any sexual abuse survivor who has done the work to heal, you feel so much better if you stick with it.  And you see your skin does eventually clear up…proof that healing has taken place.

We have worth!

So I had an allergic reaction to Sucralose (Splenda)…bad rash on my neck and swelling by my eyes, especially my right eye.  Yesterday, I worked all day on getting a new look for my YouTube page, made 10 videos about palm weaving and created my new website, while using essential oils and drinking tons of water to flush out the toxins.

I was thinking my reaction would subside by morning but when I woke up, I looked like I should be an extra in the next Rocky movie.

Not feeling so great and but feeling guilty as I was wanting to just take it easy today, I stayed home from substitute teaching again and what I heard in my head was:  “You have worth to me whether you are as productive as you were yesterday or whether you just ‘are’.”

So I am passing the message on:

“YOU HAVE WORTH JUST BY BEING.”

Prove it!

I have defined my current quest.  Something that has been stirring and brewing and motivating me but this morning I defined it.

Proving to myself that I can trust God and his plan of sheer goodness for me.

I need to believe it, really believe it in order to have peace.  Actually I think everyone needs to believe it, but I am going to focus on me and my particular circumstances to prove to myself that He can be trusted.

But you may say, “He’s GOD for goodness sake!  Why can’t you trust HIM?  He created EVERYTHING, and EVERYONE!”  That argument actually proves my point.  When I was the most vulnerable, in my experience,  those people that God created, those people that God put in place to protect and be the closest to me abused me.

But you may say, “Leave the past in the past.  You need to move forward.”  If I have the BELIEF that God cannot be trusted, that will affect every single thing in my life.  I WANT to believe that God can be trusted but because of my experience, I have to re-train, dig new grooves in my brain to show myself the truth of who GOD is DESPITE what happened to me.

But you may say, “You just need to have faith.  Faith is believing without understanding. God doesn’t need to prove himself to you.”  Well, actually I believe He does to me, and the other 16% of women and the male population who have been sexually abused as I believe we are a type of “special needs population.”

I have had the privilege of being an aide in school classrooms who work with kids who have varying degrees of special needs.  I have seen different levels of functionality and how the teaching methods and curriculum have to be adjusted for these students.  And I believe those that have experienced sexual abuse need adjusted teaching methods and sometimes adjusted verbage too.  And this is one of those times.

questindex

So, on with my quest…. I’ll be proving that He can be trusted and that He has a plan of sheer goodness to me.

You are dust

I am Catholic, want to stay Catholic but don’t agree with all the messages that are said and things that are done. For example…

Today is Ash Wednesday.  Crossofashes

My husband and one of my kids went to the early prayer service at 6am as that fit our schedule the best.  I am grateful that I am now able to counter the negative brow-beating messages myself and not be spoon fed crap.  For example, there are a few different phrases that can be used when distributing ashes and the one that she said to me today is the one I hate the most.  “You are dust and to dust you shall return.”  What an inspiring, motivating way to start the day!  NOT!  So, recognizing the way I feel about it and having the power to change it, I immediately said the phrase that I prefer, “Turn away from sin and be faithful to the gospel.”  Now that is empowering and inspiring!  I recognize that I have faults and I sin, but it is really hard to stand tall as a forgiven child of the Father who has a plan of sheer goodness for me when I am beating my breast as I am being told how much of nothing I am.

That doesn’t jive for me!

Not inspirational to me anyway

So I am really struggling who to listen to, who to get daily inspiration from.  Folks that I have followed in the past are stirring me up now.  I get a physical sick feeling in my stomach sometimes with what they say.  Things that I used to think were good for me.

But I’ve dug a whole lot of new grooves.  Healthy thoughts leading me in a better direction and those past guru’s don’t seem to hold as much wisdom for me.

Like this morning, my daily inspiration from Matthew Kelly.  “Life is not about getting what you want.”   I read it and wanted to throw up.  Maybe it is because of my abusive past, which I WANTED TO STOP.  So reading this, I shouldn’t have wanted it to stop because that is not what life is about.  Bullshit.  I think I’ll be unsubscribing to that daily email.

“That doesn’t jive”

I struggle with some things in the Catholic Church.  Things, but probably more accurately, things that people do.  I’ve decided to vent with the topic title, “The Doesn’t Jive.” It’s crap like this that turns people away from the church.  BUT…the church is a God-made entity with human beings running it. I believe we must remember they are human, however there must be accountability for behavior. A couple of things that I jotted down last Saturday night as I wondered WHY…

…The authority of our parish consistently preaches about getting to mass early and staying through the  last song BUT one of the priests more often than not starts mass 3-4 clockimagesminutes late?  That doesn’t jive!

 

…People in charge of teach high school kids how to pray silently BUT immediately turn on music?  That painmandoesn’t jive!

…I find most of the messages I hear preached about money are negative- it is the root of all evil, we shouldn’t love it, debt is bad, BUT they are always asking us for it!  That doesn’t jive!moneyindex

 

This stuff being said, THE MOST IMPORTANT THING is that we have a PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP with our Lord and Savior in order for us to discern our course of action.  Yes, people do things within the church that don’t jive, but that doesn’t mean we stop having a relationship with HIM.  THAT doesn’t jive at all.

It’s not for me

My husband and I just got back from church.  One of my New Year’s Resolutions was to go to confession once a month.  So I put it in my calendar and made it happen.  I was reflecting on the way there and thought I would have some time in church to  continue to think before I went in.  But was I ever wrong!

Reconciliation times are set to begin right after mass on Saturday mornings.  Well I guess that is also the time to say the rosary and every other litany and prayer that the people there can think of.

My husband drove me and when we walked in, he wondered how I was going to handle it, knowing how I feel about these situations.  I went and stood at the end of a long line and pulled my hood over my head to muffle the noise so I could at least try to remember what I wanted to say.  The line moved fairly quickly as I listened to monotonous rattling of the Our Father’s, Hail Mary’s and Glory Be’s.  But I wondered how long it would be before I needed to add more sins to confess because of what I did while I was waiting in line.

I watched people who were waiting in line in front of me praying the rosary until they went into the confessional and immediately starting again after they quickly came out.  I think it is a fair bet for me to guess that they do this every week.  I found my blood starting to boil, probably because I am learning not to stuff my feelings down with food anymore, and wondered how they could properly reflect before going into the confessional while simultaneously joining in the praying too?

I ached for quiet but calmly handled the situation without punching anyone or squatting down wrapping my arms around my ears and screaming for them to shut up. My husband and I spoke on the way home. He said that he couldn’t judge those people for what they were doing but can say without reservation that “it wasn’t for him.”  And he was totally ok with that.  And for probably the first time in my life, I can say the same thing.

I feel connected with God and I know when I feel his presence and what he is calling me to do and the little steps he is calling me to take.  That is what I need to focus on. So next month, I think I might go a little bit later to get in line.

 

How does she do it?

I am substitute teaching today in a 3rd grade classroom.  I have never seen such disrespect and attitude in one place in my life.  I have been holding back tears all day morning and it is all I can do not to run out of here and go home.

F2I012UHH2VIVTE.LARGE

 

 

 

 

Most of my days subbing are great, they really are.  I find ways to connect with the students and do the best I can with the lessons the teachers leave for me to teach.  But today, it is my lunch hour and I feel like throwing up.  The thought of eating is making me sick.  And THAT has NEVER happened before!  But food is no longer a tool that I need to process.  So process I must do.

I seriously do not know how this teacher can come into work everyday to this group of kids!  So how do I get through the next 3 hours and 46 minutes?  Well, my husband is praying for me and I know that ALWAYS makes things better.  ALWAYS.

I need to not let the couple problem kids ruin the experience for the rest of the class.  I need to be more matter of fact of the situation.  If they are following the school rules, I will reward them with a paw, if they are not, they get a warning and a stop sign and after 2 stops signs, a minor.  Cut and dried.  No emotion necessary.

I can cry on my drive home.

Don’t get ahead of me

So typical Vicki.  Always trying to figure out God and his plan for me.  Usually running ahead, trying to predict.

Today He reminded me to just be faithful and do exactly what he is asking me to do and the rest will unfold.

Okay, okay, okay