This too shall pass

I was driving east yesterday morning as the multi-layered clouds illustrated life to me.

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There was  wispy grayness overshadowing the typically bright white cotton-balled sky.  However, as the looked, and the dreary-ness  floated past, I saw that white billowy layer higher up reflecting the sun.

It made me think of how life is.  Even when things are tough, the grayness is just passing by and if I can focus on the grounded love of God’s plan of sheer goodness for me, I will soon see the sun.  I need to stand confident and grounded in the truth that bright light of God’s love exists even if i cannot “see” it that second.  The truth is that it is there.  Just temporarily shielded.

And that too shall pass.

How I am wired

We went to a park district volleyball game last night that 3 of my adult children just starting playing on this year.

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As they started playing I heard my voice automatically complementing the good serve, encouraging hustling and correcting improper form.

UGH.

This is the first season in over 10 years that I haven’t coached volleyball for at least one team. Most years I coached two.  So 18 teams later I found myself unable to contain the teaching part of me. I got a few looks from some of the players and numerous eye rolls from my kids so I wrapped my arms around myself and grabbed my sleeves like a straight jacket to contain this part of me.  After rocking back and forth in the stands, knowing this was the first time they have played together without a practice, I was forced that coaching voice into submission.

But that is not how I am wired.  It is not in my  nature to just let things be.  When I see something that is not as good as it can be, I want to improve it, correct it.  Especially in volleyball when I have had so much experience improving struggling players.

So I have two choices.

1.  Go next week and struggle or
2.  Not go at all.
Actually, I have three choices.  I can go near the end of their season when they have gelled a bit as a team and gain their identity, all on their own.  So I can still enjoy watching them but not go into convulsions trying to contain myself.

Or I can change my nature.  But I don’t think I am supposed to do that.  There are things about myself that I have changed throughout my life.  Majorly changed.  But I don’t think it is one of those things.  Right now any way.

Have you had any experience like that?

His haven

How inviting is this? Our decision to not watch any NFL football games has opened up our Sundays and Mondays and Thursdays so we are choosing more relaxing activities. Join us? 

Handling demons

We have a neighbor from hell. 


Not exaggerating. He is a bully-mean, annoying, nasty, cruel. 3 families have moved away because of him. He sits on his porch and yells insults at us, emits high-pitched whistles as we drive by, and runs his lawn mower at 7am on Saturdays, just to name a few. 

We have tried different tactics:  being kind and negotiating with him, yelling back, reporting him to the sheriff multiple times and ignoring him. I get the feeling he has had some difficulty in his life, however that doesn’t make it ok for him to moo like a cow at me and fling other insults our way. 

He is literally screaming for people to pay attention to him. The sad thing is, we live on a great block and if he wasn’t such a jerk, he would have a lot of friends. 

And we actually were friends when we first moved in. Until we didn’t allow him to lay in our yard in his camo and use his night vision goggles to catch speeders on our block. Then the claws came out as evidenced by the pumpkin bread launched into our yard on December 25th a couple of years ago that I had given him that Christmas Eve. 

Tom and I have talked at length how to handle him. I do feel sorry for him but yesterday after he was mocking my husband at 6am while on his morning dog walk I had to face the fact that he is sick and evil. Plain and simple. He is like the devil incarnate. And the best way to handle him is not to fuel his temper as he is always looking for a fight. If we do not acknowledge him, we aren’t stoking the flame. And unfortunately, it is just not possible to talk with him as he cannot carry on a logical conversation. 

And I believe that is how I should handle our other demons that I cannot control. Be aware that they are there but don’t fuel them. Don’t try to rationalize or give them any of my attention.  Ignore the badgering, pray for strength and clarity. Counter the rhetoric so nothing negative “sticks” and go about my business. 

It’s actually quite empowering. 

It’s Dangerous

There is a organization called STAARR (sexual trauma and abuse recovery resources) that I get emails from twice a week and they are spot on! I cannot tell you how many times I read their email and it expresses exactly what I feel but have difficulty verbalizing. 

Today they talked about how need and lack are dangerous for survivors of sexual abuse.  They were able to further peg for me why I have a difficult time relaxing. My experience has trained me to always be on guard. The facts of my abuse conditioned me to always be watching. So to close my eyes wouldn’t be safe. Not only did I not want to be considered lazy by my dad, they finally helped me realize another reason that I was eating instead of closing my eyes to relax.

Thanks Sallie and Anne!

I highly recommend signing up for their emails!! www.staarr.org

Autumn is coming 

I love the change in seasons! And I love how my beautiful grasses clearly signal the impending weather changes. What started out as dry stalks cut about 12 inches off the ground have grown over 5 feet tall and now boast amazing delicate tassels that catch the slightest wind movement.

God works like that. He can take something that appears dead and create incredible things. Imagine if the grass tried to grow itself and the speed IT wanted to grow instead of allowing the internal created beauty to manifest. I doubt it would be so magnificent.

So, if grass can do that, perhaps I can breathe and relax and allow my created beauty to manifest. 

And then I too can be magnificent. 

Wanna try that with me?

I’ll never have it

Why do I eat instead of close my eyes and rest?

Why?

Because my dad always criticized my mom for relaxing and I wanted him to love me.  Still, after everything, a little girl just wants her father’s love.

But God knew that would happen, right?

That’s why He is my heavenly father.  So I can still get the love of a daddy.  Unconditional, total, encompassing love.

Not what I was looking for.  It’s better.

I guess I did have a daddy after all.

I just need to believe that truth.

 

It’s Different

My reflections today spoke of allowing God to have his way in my life.  And thankfully because of all the new grooves that I have dug in my brain, I can understand that God having his way in my life IS NOT THE SAME as the men who “had their way with me.”

It’s not the same.

It’s safe to allow the Lord to be Lord of my life.

I don’t have to be in control of everything.

I can trust God and his plan of sheer goodness for me!

That’s different for me and that’s GOOD!

 

Paralympics excitement

In my disgust over the lack of respect of immature, ungrateful football players I turned the channel and happened upon the Paralympic Games in Rio. It was wonderful watching the competition, obviously modified but no less intense and competitive than the Olympics that ended a couple of weeks ago. I found myself rooting for both athletes, not wanting either to lose as they have already endured so much to get to where they are. 

May God Bless them and those that win medals on behalf of the United States and PROUDLY STAND (if they physically are able) and receive their award as our National Anthem is played. 

Glad they have their perspective. 

#neverforget

15 years ago was a day you can tell me what you were doing when you heard the towers were hit. My husband and I talked about what we were doing when we heard. 

I am grateful for those who offer and sacrifice their lives for my freedom.