Can’t find the words…or the time

Did you ever feel like you had so much to say, but couldn’t figure out what you wanted to say, or, you knew what you wanted to say but couldn’t find the time to get it down?

My problem is the latter.  Time, among other things.

My husband asked me recently “What are you afraid of if you say what you really want to say?”  I flippantly told him I was afraid of nothing.  But I think I must be afraid of something as I have been very good at having so much to do that I have no time to get anything down.

I havsilenced_by_jolsariella-d3few70e been silenced for so long that it is continuing to affect me physically.

I truly believe in the body/mind/spirit connection.  I believe our bodies are barometers for what is REALLY going on inside of us.  Our bodies are the gauge for how we are REALLY doing.  I have a massive headache now as I type.  The kind that is making me nauseous.  The kind I had in high school.  The kind my body manifested after I had reached the limit of how much sexual abuse I could endure at the hands of my father.  The kind that stopped after he finally stopped.  Finally stopped after 11 years. And then denied.

Well, I said it.  My dad sexually abused me.  Over and over and over. Most I don’t fully remember, but my body does.  Every time I try to talk myself into saying nothing happened, I can feel my body literally screaming inside.  Those who have experienced sexual abuse will understand what I am talking about.  I have a fear of masks because one of the times, he was waiting in my closet after fighting a fire and he had soot on his face which made him look like he had a mask on and all I could see were the whites of his eyes.  I also used to check all the closets in a house when I was home alone.  The first thing I did when we moved into this house 11 years ago was to check all of the closets.  I thought that was an odd thing to do, until I made the connection what happened 24 years prior.  There are lots of other things that I still have to process and deal with decades after the abuse finally stopped, but my head can only handled a bit of pressure release at a time or I might explode.  I do know however, that I must keep letting the pressure out and finding the words or I will literally blow apart.  I have learned to pay attention to my body and what it is trying to tell me to address. Now I must be more diligent to follow through!

What is your body telling you?

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