You know how God teaches you something by showing you what is right in front of your face? Yeah. That happened to me yesterday. The relationship building with someone close to me has had its ups and downs but after the first down, never got back up to the first up. The relationship has been strained and weary. Forced and disappointing. I keep asking myself…”Why can’t she just forgive and move on?” “We are not the enemy.” “We are on her side.” “She is missing out on how great it can be.”
I was praying for this relationship yesterday at adoration.
And BAM! It hit me…THAT IS WHAT I WAS DOING IN MY RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD!
My relationship with Him has been strained and weary. Forced and disappointing. “Why can’t I just forgive and move on?” “He is not the enemy.” “He is on my side.” “I am missing out on how great it can be.”
The relationship became like that after my sexual abuse memories started coming back and I started asking, “How could a loving God allow that to happen to a little girl?” “Why were the people put here to care for me abusing me?” “I am just a his puppet with him pulling the strings, controlling my life, seeing how much I can take.” And the nasty consoling words of the “wise ones” that “God never gives you more than you can handle.”
That implies that God gave me the abuse.
I don’t believe that God willed it to happen but I do believe he will bring good out of it. Just as he promised. He can take the bullshit and make it beautiful.
I have been educated of the knowledge of his plan of sheer goodness for me, and it is now time for me to trust. Not an easy thing for someone who has been abused, manipulated and betrayed for almost half of her life. Not easy, but possible.
And I am tired of missing out.