Lessons from being Booted

IMG_1214Funny, after I wrote yesterday’s post, all I could think about today when I put the boot on, was more correlations to my sexual abuse recovery.  So I am going to keep sharing them.

My injury is a chronic thing.  Slow healing, but it will eventually get better.  However, because of the facts of my bone structure, I will have a tendency for this type of injury.

My abuse was a chronic thing.  And my healing has been slow.  But it is already so much better than it was before.  However, because of the facts of my history, I need to be careful about what triggers me.  Address those triggers and continue healing.

So This Happened to Me

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I’ve dropped 70 pounds in the last year.  Great, right?  You bet!  But…the more fit I became, the more I ran.  And with my really, really flat feet, turns out that running wasn’t a good idea.  I was diagnosed with peroneal tendonosis.  Translation:  the tendons on the outside of my foot are enlarged and it hurts to walk.  Chronic thing.  Not horrible.  And I can take the boot off to drive and sleep.  I’ve been applying oils and doing therapy and it is definitely improving, but it is going to take a little while before I am fully recovered.

But God is using this circumstance as a metaphor and teach me about myself and my sexual abuse recovery.

Thought I would pass a few things I’ve learned over the next few days.

I have flat feet.  Fact.  Flat.  No Arch.  None.  So, I may not be able to run as much as I originally was planning.  Because of the unique circumstances of my flat feet, I need to find other options for working out.


I have been sexually abused.  Fact.  Sexually Abused.  Violated.  Hurt.  So, I may not be able to handle certain things in my life as originally planned.  Because of the unique circumstances of my sexual abuse, I need to find other methods for handling my unique situation.  I scare easily so don’t go to scary movies.  Sometimes, my husband will screen a movie before I see it because he knows what I can handle.  Just something I have to do.

Happy Birthday to Me!

I turned 50 a year ago and wanted to crawl under a rock.  What a difference 365 days makes…

i am not like everyone else

Nobody really is exactly like everyone right? However, I’d like to categorize groups and types of people. And the types of people I am talking about are those that have been sexually abused and those who have not.  If you have read any of my past posts, you know that I have been sexually abused.  Because of that, I handle things differently, I process things differently, I see things differently.  Differently than those who have not been sexually abused.  And  even differently within the group of those who have been sexually abused, depending on where each person is at on their road to recovery.

Duh, you might say.

But it is an important thing to remember, especially when I respond to statements that trigger me.  And it is important for me to remember about the people who make those statements.

Important for all of us to remember, right?

Got rid of electronic clutter!

I love checking things off my “to do” list.  LOVE IT.  I will even write things down that I already finished just so I can check it off.  Gives me a feeling of accomplishment.

Yesterday, I checked off “cleaning up all my email files and folders.”  Holy cow, what a feeling of relief to get rid of that electronic clutter.

And fairly painless as I was watching my DVR’d Hallmark movie (I can scan through the blasted medical and legal commercials.)  Went through each folder, got rid of what is no longer needed, deleted the trash and junk bins and I feel AWESOME!

No lingering feeling that I am missing something and no extra emails cluttering up my screen.
I highly recommend it!

Have you cleaned our your email folders lately?

Invisibly crippled

1/6 of the female population has been sexually abused according to the current stats from RAINN.  We look the same as everyone else on the outside but inside we have parts that are broken.  The traumatic experience has long term invisible effects:

According to RAINN (Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network):

The likelihood that a person suffers suicidal or depressive thoughts increases after sexual violence.

  • 94% of women who are raped experience post-truamatic stress disorder (PTSD) symptoms during the two weeks following the rape.9
  • 30% of women report PTSD symptoms 9 months after the rape.10
  • 33% of women who are raped contemplate suicide.11
  • 13% of women who are raped attempt suicide.11
  • Approximately 70% of rape or sexual assault victims experience moderate to severe distress, a larger percentage than for any other violent crime.12

People who have been sexually assaulted are more likely to use drugs than the general public.11

Sexual violence also affects victims’ relationships with their family, friends, and co-workers.12

  • 38% of victims of sexual violence experience work or school problems, which can include significant problems with a boss, coworker, or peer.
  • 37% experience family/friend problems, including getting into arguments more frequently than before, not feeling able to trust their family/friends, or not feeling as close to them as before the crime.
  • 84% of survivors who were victimized by an intimate partner experience professional or emotional issues, including moderate to severe distress, or increased problems at work or school.
  • 79% of survivors who were victimized by a family member, close friend or acquaintance experience professional or emotional issues, including moderate to severe distress, or increased problems at work or school.
  • 67% of survivors who were victimized by a stranger experience professional or emotional issues, including moderate to severe distress, or increased problems at work or school.

Lots of mental and emotional problems that we have to deal with day after day after day. Month after month after month.  Year after year after year.

But the effewheel chairimagescts may not as visible like an individual who uses a wheelchair, cane or walker to indicate they need a little assistance.

 

But I am living proof, like someone in rehab, who perseveres and heals, the “limp”  can decrease and really does go away.  And now I can walk with no effort and even run!

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Dang It!

When I was at adoration on Tuesday, I read this reflection about water and had this amazing analogy and story come to my head that I thought would make a perfect blog post. But – again –  I didn’t take the time to write it!  I am so mad at myselfrustrationf!  God has made it clear to me that I need to do this regularly.  For whatever purpose He has, I am supposed to do it.  Again and again He has told me.  And I have yet to follow through.

Dang it!

Maybe this time I can stick with it.

After all, today will be the 354th day in a row that I have worked out for 30 minutes or more!

And writing is way less foreboding than some of the workouts I have done in the past almost-year.

Isn’t it?

Have you had anything that you know you should be doing regularly and can’t get in a groove to do it?

The Image of Water

water-dropSymbolically and literally, how often is water used to cleanse us, refresh us and quench our thirst?

I believe that part of the problem with survivors of sexual abuse is that water becomes polluted and if we used the same analogies found in scripture but don’t take into account how we might be misinterpreting things because what should have been life-giving is now toxic, we can get messed up.

We can get a wrong impression of God.  Especially when the abuse happens when you are very young.  You grow up thinking things are normal, because that is all you know, but then when you start to see some things that are not what you are used to or things you believe are challenged as truth, you must look at the “life giving source” to see if it has been polluted.

The beauty of the situation is that God is the ultimate purifier!  He can cleanse anything, good as new.

However, the issue is now that your system has been permeated and you must be cleansed.  And if you have ever done a detox, sometimes you get breakouts, headaches and you feel worse before you feel better.

But, as any sexual abuse survivor who has done the work to heal, you feel so much better if you stick with it.  And you see your skin does eventually clear up…proof that healing has taken place.

Prove it!

I have defined my current quest.  Something that has been stirring and brewing and motivating me but this morning I defined it.

Proving to myself that I can trust God and his plan of sheer goodness for me.

I need to believe it, really believe it in order to have peace.  Actually I think everyone needs to believe it, but I am going to focus on me and my particular circumstances to prove to myself that He can be trusted.

But you may say, “He’s GOD for goodness sake!  Why can’t you trust HIM?  He created EVERYTHING, and EVERYONE!”  That argument actually proves my point.  When I was the most vulnerable, in my experience,  those people that God created, those people that God put in place to protect and be the closest to me abused me.

But you may say, “Leave the past in the past.  You need to move forward.”  If I have the BELIEF that God cannot be trusted, that will affect every single thing in my life.  I WANT to believe that God can be trusted but because of my experience, I have to re-train, dig new grooves in my brain to show myself the truth of who GOD is DESPITE what happened to me.

But you may say, “You just need to have faith.  Faith is believing without understanding. God doesn’t need to prove himself to you.”  Well, actually I believe He does to me, and the other 16% of women and the male population who have been sexually abused as I believe we are a type of “special needs population.”

I have had the privilege of being an aide in school classrooms who work with kids who have varying degrees of special needs.  I have seen different levels of functionality and how the teaching methods and curriculum have to be adjusted for these students.  And I believe those that have experienced sexual abuse need adjusted teaching methods and sometimes adjusted verbage too.  And this is one of those times.

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So, on with my quest…. I’ll be proving that He can be trusted and that He has a plan of sheer goodness to me.

Not inspirational to me anyway

So I am really struggling who to listen to, who to get daily inspiration from.  Folks that I have followed in the past are stirring me up now.  I get a physical sick feeling in my stomach sometimes with what they say.  Things that I used to think were good for me.

But I’ve dug a whole lot of new grooves.  Healthy thoughts leading me in a better direction and those past guru’s don’t seem to hold as much wisdom for me.

Like this morning, my daily inspiration from Matthew Kelly.  “Life is not about getting what you want.”   I read it and wanted to throw up.  Maybe it is because of my abusive past, which I WANTED TO STOP.  So reading this, I shouldn’t have wanted it to stop because that is not what life is about.  Bullshit.  I think I’ll be unsubscribing to that daily email.