I have defined my current quest. Something that has been stirring and brewing and motivating me but this morning I defined it.
Proving to myself that I can trust God and his plan of sheer goodness for me.
I need to believe it, really believe it in order to have peace. Actually I think everyone needs to believe it, but I am going to focus on me and my particular circumstances to prove to myself that He can be trusted.
But you may say, “He’s GOD for goodness sake! Why can’t you trust HIM? He created EVERYTHING, and EVERYONE!” That argument actually proves my point. When I was the most vulnerable, in my experience, those people that God created, those people that God put in place to protect and be the closest to me abused me.
But you may say, “Leave the past in the past. You need to move forward.” If I have the BELIEF that God cannot be trusted, that will affect every single thing in my life. I WANT to believe that God can be trusted but because of my experience, I have to re-train, dig new grooves in my brain to show myself the truth of who GOD is DESPITE what happened to me.
But you may say, “You just need to have faith. Faith is believing without understanding. God doesn’t need to prove himself to you.” Well, actually I believe He does to me, and the other 16% of women and the male population who have been sexually abused as I believe we are a type of “special needs population.”
I have had the privilege of being an aide in school classrooms who work with kids who have varying degrees of special needs. I have seen different levels of functionality and how the teaching methods and curriculum have to be adjusted for these students. And I believe those that have experienced sexual abuse need adjusted teaching methods and sometimes adjusted verbage too. And this is one of those times.
So, on with my quest…. I’ll be proving that He can be trusted and that He has a plan of sheer goodness to me.