Prove it!

I have defined my current quest.  Something that has been stirring and brewing and motivating me but this morning I defined it.

Proving to myself that I can trust God and his plan of sheer goodness for me.

I need to believe it, really believe it in order to have peace.  Actually I think everyone needs to believe it, but I am going to focus on me and my particular circumstances to prove to myself that He can be trusted.

But you may say, “He’s GOD for goodness sake!  Why can’t you trust HIM?  He created EVERYTHING, and EVERYONE!”  That argument actually proves my point.  When I was the most vulnerable, in my experience,  those people that God created, those people that God put in place to protect and be the closest to me abused me.

But you may say, “Leave the past in the past.  You need to move forward.”  If I have the BELIEF that God cannot be trusted, that will affect every single thing in my life.  I WANT to believe that God can be trusted but because of my experience, I have to re-train, dig new grooves in my brain to show myself the truth of who GOD is DESPITE what happened to me.

But you may say, “You just need to have faith.  Faith is believing without understanding. God doesn’t need to prove himself to you.”  Well, actually I believe He does to me, and the other 16% of women and the male population who have been sexually abused as I believe we are a type of “special needs population.”

I have had the privilege of being an aide in school classrooms who work with kids who have varying degrees of special needs.  I have seen different levels of functionality and how the teaching methods and curriculum have to be adjusted for these students.  And I believe those that have experienced sexual abuse need adjusted teaching methods and sometimes adjusted verbage too.  And this is one of those times.

questindex

So, on with my quest…. I’ll be proving that He can be trusted and that He has a plan of sheer goodness to me.

Releasing is Good for the Body and Soul

forgiveJeff Cavins really gave us something to think about at Bible Study this morning! The hardest part about being a Christian is forgiveness. But we are called to do that. Jesus showed us the way. Forgiveness is not a feeling, it is a choice of the will. It is okay to acknowledge when we have been hurt and even to bring it the offender’s attention. But then we need to forgive and release. Offer the suffering up in union with Christ and His suffering. Just as God has released us, so he expects us to do that to others. Hmm, I wonder if take the time to process this for anyone that I feel I am holding a grudge with, that muscle spasm in my back will RELEASE.

Overweight means insecure?

I love Karol Truman’s book “Feelings Buried Alive Never Die.”  If you haven’t read it, she suggests that most of the physical ailments we have are a manifestation of the emotional pain that we have buried.  Since I pretty much ate my way through this past Christmas, I would like to highlight the condition of Overweight.

She suggests that being overweight may indicate feelings of insecurity, feelings of self-rejection, wanting to protect the body, seeking love and fulfillment, attempting to fulfill the self, feelings are being stuffed inside, unexpressed, mis-perceived and inappropriate feelings.  Well, some of those sure resonate with me.  Anyone else?  Since I was sexually abused as child during the Christmas season, I am thinking that is why I engorged myself this past yule. And the results of that binge are nasty considering I am co-founder of a wellness company that promotes an amazing Weight Release Program.  I should walk the walk, right?  Well, I am all the about “WHY” and I want to make my weight release permanent.  My goal is to have food be my fuel, not my tool.

dig-deep

So I need to dig deeper.  And if you know anything about digging deep, sometimes, it is shitting and smelly.  Well I am done burying the pain.  Step by step, bite by bite, I long for an “effort free Phase 3.”  ( For those not familiar with our program, Phase 3 is regular eating, limited sugars and starches, nothing off limits, but when hungry and in moderation.)  The good news is even though some times are dark and difficult, I can always get up and move forward.

Have you had an experience of digger deeper to get to the cause?

 

Work for Justice?

Abuse is funny thing. It seems that person abused continues to get abused even after the actual event or events have abuse phototaken place. It seems to me that when the abused has enough courage to reveal the horror of what happened to him/her, is it assumed that the abused is lying and that the abuser is innocent. Now I know there is a fraction, a much publicized sliver of folks who falsely accuse, who actually have created the situation for the rest of us. But I would venture to guess those that falsely accuse have some issue that they are seeking justice for, they just couldn’t get the right message through.

Other than the few previously mentioned, what does the abused have to gain by letting the “cat out of the bag?”

Peace of mind.

Which is something MasterCard and VISA cannot even come close to- though they market to those who are trying to find it. And that is a lot of us. I recall a bumper sticker that reads: “If you want Peace, work for Justice.” Well, I am not so sure about justice, but I need peace of mind.

I didn’t make everything up.
It isn’t all in my head.

But I have no one’s testimony but my own. And I have plenty to argue against me, and have been.

But I am grateful for the analogy the Lord has given me. If you have ever watched a boat go by, there is a wake in the water that follows it. A wake that travels longer and wider than the boat itself. If you missed the boat going by, but see the wake, you know that the boat has been by even though you missed that actual watercraft. The evidence of the wake proves the presence of the boat. That is how it is with me. No one saw any boats go by. But the wake of the sexual abuses that I have experienced is still rippling in the water to this day. So my conscious mind takes that as proof.

The mind is a powerful thing. As is the body. Or more specifically, body memory. If the world denies the abuse that the body and mind, conscious or subconscious, knows occurred, there is further abuse and the abused is further traumatized. So where is the justice and where is the peace? Not so sure about the justice for me at this point as I cannot afford any court battles, but I am looking for peace of mind.

I would venture to guess that those that don’t find it don’t stay on this earth for long. It is too painful. Where’s the justice there? But maybe they have peace. The God I know is merciful and Just. So I have to continue to trust that justice will eventually be done.

His Justice.
His Perfect Justice.
Which also brings His Peace.

Success.

Silent Islands

So many hurting people out there. And only a few talking- verbally anyway.

But I think the pain speaks volumes in our physical body.

I am thanking God for the healing that I have had and all the different things that I have felt and the skills of observation and knowledge that I feel He has blessed me with that is now helping the “Silent Islands” I am meeting every single week. Abused, defeated, self-punishing creations that need our Message of Hope. It is a tough journey though, but well worth it. Uncovering all the lies that are causing sickness and pain leads to freedom and healing.

I am praying the hurting souls will open their mouths and discover they are not the only one out there in the ocean of life. Each island is less that an arms length away. Imagine the land mass if we all could muster the strength to look up and reach out.

robben-island

Our life is a journey

Each path the Lord leads us on prepares us for the one that follows, but always remember it is a journey closer to Him.

I have to smile as I compare this journey with the game Chutes and Ladders.  chutesandladders
Some acts of healing, behavior changes and progress get us closer to Him quickly but just as easily, if we are not careful, we can slide down and fall back.  One good thing though, we are all winners and can reach him.  Some of us just take longer, that’s all.

Tug of War going on

He’s been asking me to let go of the end of the rope. tug-of-war

I keep jerking it back, thinking there is some kind of battle going on. But I am the only one pulling. He is just holding on trying to take it away from me when I am ready to get rid of it. Because that is what has been tripping me up.

The rope was very strong and long and wound up all around me, sometimes making me trip and other times not even able to move. He would gently pull the rope to get me loose. But because of the way I was tangled up, sometimes it would cause me to spin around, get dizzy and even fall. The rope even would cause burns on my skin it was so tight.

But He has been gentle and faithful. He knew when I was strong enough to pull it away and when I needed to rest. Sometimes I was even able to help Him get me untangled. But now all that is left of the rope is what remains in my hands and I keep tightening the grip and sometimes jerk it back and even wind myself up in it. That gives Him rope burns. And I feel bad about that. I keep thinking that we are in a battle over this rope. But this rope has been keeping me in bondage. It has been preventing me from being free. And He has been trying to help rid me of this constriction.

But I am nervous and a little afraid. It sometimes feels good to have the rope tight against my skin and as weird as it sounds, the rope burns serve their purpose of self punishment. Gentleness and Love are somewhat different for me. As the rope has been unwrapped from my body, I am getting more and more used to the different feeling, but I am afraid to let go of the end of the rope. What will happen to me? The rope was my lifeline for a very, very long time. Not a healthy one I know, but something to hold on to none-the-less. His Truth tells me He is Faithful. His Truth tells me He wants what is best for me.

I am a little sad as I watch the rope fall to the ground and slide away. It’s just me now. Breathe, Just Breathe. But I am thinking I actually will have quite a bit of strength now as I don’t have to be using all my strength to grip the rope to keep it on my side. It’s not really a war if I am the only one fighting.

I surrender.

Surrender does not mean I am Powerless

I’ve been reflecting on the idea of being Poor in Spirit. It is surrendering my will to Him.
But that doesn’t mean I am powerless. It is taking the gifts He has given me and opening my hands and saying- Help me make the most of this that I can. I may be able to do good things, but He can do INCREDIBLE things. Grocery Bag

I am picturing myself accepting a brown bag at the grocery store that is filled to the top. I get home, unpack everything on the counter and thing of what I can do with everything there.

If I turn and look at the “MASTER CHEF,” He rubs His hands together, smiles and says, “Let’s try this…” His large frame towers behind me as He wraps His arms around my wounded frame and we together create this masterpiece. If I try to prematurely grab something that I think would be good, I sense Him gently smiling and shaking His head no. The more we work together, I begin to sense what ingredients He needs. I begin reaching for those and His eyes beam with love and pride that we are working in union. It is effortless, invigorating and fulfilling.

Have you had any experience when you surrendered to God’s guiding hand?

“Poor in Spirit” isn’t referring to my bank account

Fr. Dennis confirmed what Jeff Cavins had taught in our Bible Study of the Book of Matthempty-handsew: Being poor in spirit is the foundation for the other Beatitudes. It calls for humility. We have to admit that we are nothing without God. I finally understand that. So I question myself: Am I poor in spirit? What does that mean to be humble? I struggle with some that I see who seem to have false humility, but then, who am I to judge their hearts? I guess that means I am still have work to do on myself.

Being a victim of sexual abuse, I have needed to be in control as much of it had been taken from me most of my life. So this surrender to God means I have to trust him, right? It has taken a long time for me to do that.

Do you trust God?