I am grateful for the parameters that I have to protect my psyche and well-being. Sometimes others that I associate with are not in a good way and it is necessary to for me to back away to protect the progress that I have made. I make an effort to help but when that person is not in a place to better themselves or their situation, it is time for me to let them be. I do not believe that we need to drown because others have chosen not to learn to swim and yet have decided to tread water in the deep end.
I love reflections from Sarah Young’s Jesus Calling! The one from August 29th talked about sitting quietly in His presence.
She writes that “this act of faith-waiting before working- is noted in the spirit world, where your demonstration of trust weakens principalities and powers of darkness.”
So my just ‘being’ gets results.
She ends with “As you look to me for guidance, I enable you to do less but accomplish more.”
Yep. Another post about lessons/metaphors about wearing my boot.
And you are saying, “Really? Enough already.” Not that you don’t care about my foot and feel bad about my injury. You just really don’t want to hear about it anymore.
AND THAT IS EXACTLY HOW IT IS WITH HEALING FROM SEXUAL ABUSE. I live with it day in and day out and most people, even though they sincerely care about me and feel bad, if they even know the extent of the trauma I have lived through, really don’t want to hear about it anymore.
But I think it is that way for everybody. You lose a family member and people rally around you during the first week during the wake and funeral and then most people go back to living their lives and you are left to figure out how to move forward, never being the same.
You lose your job and everybody feels bad and says they’ll pray for you but then days, weeks and months go by with increasing difficulty to meet expenses. And self-esteem beings to plummet and discouragement sets in. But you keep plugging away, day after day, week after week, month after month.
Your kids go off to college, or get married, or move out of state and…you get the idea.
So what is my point.
I guess my point is: Most people are wounded and we may or may not see the “injury.”
I’d like to propose we slow down and talk to people. Really listen to them. Take 10 seconds to quiet ourselves and then reach out and listen to your neighbor or call a friend that has been on your mind. I can’t count how many times I follow a prompting and send a text “Been thinking about you, can you talk?” or make a call and the other person has been so grateful.
That is how I want to live my life. No matter what I have been through, take the time to heal from my wounds so I am able to reach out and help others with theirs.
So I will take the time to do my physical therapy and apply the oils and pain creme and ice as needed so my foot gets better and be patient with myself and others as I heal.
How do you want to live your life?
This may sound obvious but my foot is injured so I need the boot. If I wasn’t injured, I wouldn’t need the boot. Duh…
But this injury will take some time to heal. Now some things I can do “normally.” I can take the boot off to drive and sleep and I don’t wear it if I am driving and then “running” a quick errand. (haha) But I do take the time to put it on if I am going to be up and around at home and don’t have to drive anywhere. I bring it with me if I need to do alot of walking where I am going. I also wear it more when my husband is driving as I do not have to take it on and off to drive. That is really helpful!
So I have been injured due to the multiple instances of sexual abuse that I have endured. This injury will take time to heal. Some things I can do “normally.” I can learn and grow. And some times during the day I don’t even think about my “injury.” And my husband’s presence around me allows me the clarity and security to work through some issues or triggers that may have come up that day. That is really helpful!
So I am really struggling who to listen to, who to get daily inspiration from. Folks that I have followed in the past are stirring me up now. I get a physical sick feeling in my stomach sometimes with what they say. Things that I used to think were good for me.
But I’ve dug a whole lot of new grooves. Healthy thoughts leading me in a better direction and those past guru’s don’t seem to hold as much wisdom for me.
Like this morning, my daily inspiration from Matthew Kelly. “Life is not about getting what you want.” I read it and wanted to throw up. Maybe it is because of my abusive past, which I WANTED TO STOP. So reading this, I shouldn’t have wanted it to stop because that is not what life is about. Bullshit. I think I’ll be unsubscribing to that daily email.
Jeff Cavins really gave us something to think about at Bible Study this morning! The hardest part about being a Christian is forgiveness. But we are called to do that. Jesus showed us the way. Forgiveness is not a feeling, it is a choice of the will. It is okay to acknowledge when we have been hurt and even to bring it the offender’s attention. But then we need to forgive and release. Offer the suffering up in union with Christ and His suffering. Just as God has released us, so he expects us to do that to others. Hmm, I wonder if take the time to process this for anyone that I feel I am holding a grudge with, that muscle spasm in my back will RELEASE.
I love Karol Truman’s book “Feelings Buried Alive Never Die.” If you haven’t read it, she suggests that most of the physical ailments we have are a manifestation of the emotional pain that we have buried. Since I pretty much ate my way through this past Christmas, I would like to highlight the condition of Overweight.
She suggests that being overweight may indicate feelings of insecurity, feelings of self-rejection, wanting to protect the body, seeking love and fulfillment, attempting to fulfill the self, feelings are being stuffed inside, unexpressed, mis-perceived and inappropriate feelings. Well, some of those sure resonate with me. Anyone else? Since I was sexually abused as child during the Christmas season, I am thinking that is why I engorged myself this past yule. And the results of that binge are nasty considering I am co-founder of a wellness company that promotes an amazing Weight Release Program. I should walk the walk, right? Well, I am all the about “WHY” and I want to make my weight release permanent. My goal is to have food be my fuel, not my tool.
So I need to dig deeper. And if you know anything about digging deep, sometimes, it is shitting and smelly. Well I am done burying the pain. Step by step, bite by bite, I long for an “effort free Phase 3.” ( For those not familiar with our program, Phase 3 is regular eating, limited sugars and starches, nothing off limits, but when hungry and in moderation.) The good news is even though some times are dark and difficult, I can always get up and move forward.
Have you had an experience of digger deeper to get to the cause?
Abuse is funny thing. It seems that person abused continues to get abused even after the actual event or events have taken place. It seems to me that when the abused has enough courage to reveal the horror of what happened to him/her, is it assumed that the abused is lying and that the abuser is innocent. Now I know there is a fraction, a much publicized sliver of folks who falsely accuse, who actually have created the situation for the rest of us. But I would venture to guess those that falsely accuse have some issue that they are seeking justice for, they just couldn’t get the right message through.
Other than the few previously mentioned, what does the abused have to gain by letting the “cat out of the bag?”
Peace of mind.
Which is something MasterCard and VISA cannot even come close to- though they market to those who are trying to find it. And that is a lot of us. I recall a bumper sticker that reads: “If you want Peace, work for Justice.” Well, I am not so sure about justice, but I need peace of mind.
I didn’t make everything up.
It isn’t all in my head.
But I have no one’s testimony but my own. And I have plenty to argue against me, and have been.
But I am grateful for the analogy the Lord has given me. If you have ever watched a boat go by, there is a wake in the water that follows it. A wake that travels longer and wider than the boat itself. If you missed the boat going by, but see the wake, you know that the boat has been by even though you missed that actual watercraft. The evidence of the wake proves the presence of the boat. That is how it is with me. No one saw any boats go by. But the wake of the sexual abuses that I have experienced is still rippling in the water to this day. So my conscious mind takes that as proof.
The mind is a powerful thing. As is the body. Or more specifically, body memory. If the world denies the abuse that the body and mind, conscious or subconscious, knows occurred, there is further abuse and the abused is further traumatized. So where is the justice and where is the peace? Not so sure about the justice for me at this point as I cannot afford any court battles, but I am looking for peace of mind.
I would venture to guess that those that don’t find it don’t stay on this earth for long. It is too painful. Where’s the justice there? But maybe they have peace. The God I know is merciful and Just. So I have to continue to trust that justice will eventually be done.
His Perfect Justice.
Which also brings His Peace.
Each path the Lord leads us on prepares us for the one that follows, but always remember it is a journey closer to Him.
I have to smile as I compare this journey with the game Chutes and Ladders.
Some acts of healing, behavior changes and progress get us closer to Him quickly but just as easily, if we are not careful, we can slide down and fall back. One good thing though, we are all winners and can reach him. Some of us just take longer, that’s all.
I keep jerking it back, thinking there is some kind of battle going on. But I am the only one pulling. He is just holding on trying to take it away from me when I am ready to get rid of it. Because that is what has been tripping me up.
The rope was very strong and long and wound up all around me, sometimes making me trip and other times not even able to move. He would gently pull the rope to get me loose. But because of the way I was tangled up, sometimes it would cause me to spin around, get dizzy and even fall. The rope even would cause burns on my skin it was so tight.
But He has been gentle and faithful. He knew when I was strong enough to pull it away and when I needed to rest. Sometimes I was even able to help Him get me untangled. But now all that is left of the rope is what remains in my hands and I keep tightening the grip and sometimes jerk it back and even wind myself up in it. That gives Him rope burns. And I feel bad about that. I keep thinking that we are in a battle over this rope. But this rope has been keeping me in bondage. It has been preventing me from being free. And He has been trying to help rid me of this constriction.
But I am nervous and a little afraid. It sometimes feels good to have the rope tight against my skin and as weird as it sounds, the rope burns serve their purpose of self punishment. Gentleness and Love are somewhat different for me. As the rope has been unwrapped from my body, I am getting more and more used to the different feeling, but I am afraid to let go of the end of the rope. What will happen to me? The rope was my lifeline for a very, very long time. Not a healthy one I know, but something to hold on to none-the-less. His Truth tells me He is Faithful. His Truth tells me He wants what is best for me.
I am a little sad as I watch the rope fall to the ground and slide away. It’s just me now. Breathe, Just Breathe. But I am thinking I actually will have quite a bit of strength now as I don’t have to be using all my strength to grip the rope to keep it on my side. It’s not really a war if I am the only one fighting.