I’ll never have it

Why do I eat instead of close my eyes and rest?

Why?

Because my dad always criticized my mom for relaxing and I wanted him to love me.  Still, after everything, a little girl just wants her father’s love.

But God knew that would happen, right?

That’s why He is my heavenly father.  So I can still get the love of a daddy.  Unconditional, total, encompassing love.

Not what I was looking for.  It’s better.

I guess I did have a daddy after all.

I just need to believe that truth.

 

It’s Different

My reflections today spoke of allowing God to have his way in my life.  And thankfully because of all the new grooves that I have dug in my brain, I can understand that God having his way in my life IS NOT THE SAME as the men who “had their way with me.”

It’s not the same.

It’s safe to allow the Lord to be Lord of my life.

I don’t have to be in control of everything.

I can trust God and his plan of sheer goodness for me!

That’s different for me and that’s GOOD!

 

Parameters protect

I am grateful for the parameters that I have to protect my psyche and well-being.  Sometimes others that I associate with are not in a good way and it is necessary to for me to back away to protect the progress that I have made.  I make an effort to help but when that person is not in a place to better themselves or their situation, it is time for me to let them be.  I do not believe that we need to drown because others have chosen not to learn to swim and yet have decided to tread water in the deep end.

Waiting before Working

I love reflections from Sarah Young’s Jesus Calling!  The one from August 29th talked about sitting quietly in His presence.

Just being.

Just listening.

She writes that “this act of faith-waiting before working- is noted in the spirit world, where your demonstration of trust weakens principalities and powers of darkness.”

Holy cow.

So my just ‘being’ gets results.

She ends with “As you look to me for guidance, I enable you to do less but accomplish more.”

Holy Cow.

Thanks God!

My husband’s prayers are so powerful

I got a root canal this morning.  4:20 am.  Yep you read it right.  We live in the suburbs of Chicago and we got up at 3:15am to drive into Chicago to arrive by 4:15am.  I don’t like driving very much, especially into the city, so I asked my hubby if he would drive me as I was more stressed about the trip in as I was about the procedure I was going to have.  Knowing he can sleep anywhere, I figured he could lay the seat back and snooze until I was done.

We got there early and I asked him to pray for me. A mere 40 minutes later, I was knocking at the passenger window with a swollen left side, ready to head back home!  A total answer of his prayer to go quickly and smoothly, taking 1/2 as long as 90% of the dentist’s usual patients.

We got home by 5:45am and by his suggestion, I went back to bed to rest while the Novocaine was still in effect.  3 hours later, I could finally feel all of my face.  With just a little discomfort, I went through my day, being more productive than I was originally planning, only having to make a meal adjustment of having a serving of Shakeology for breakfast AND lunch as it was still feeling weird to chew on my left side.

Again, his prayers answered.  Thanks babe!

What to do if your husband doesn’t pray like mine?  You pray for him.  Pray for him to become that man that will.  That’s what I did a l-o-n-g time ago.  And how much fruit those prayers have yielded.  Well worth my time for sure.

Would it be worth yours?

Keep your light lit

I listened to the story of a friend who was in Thailand attending a Buddist cermony.  She was antsy and her native friend told her they would eat after she went around the building three times with her lit candle.  Trying to rush through the process as she listened to her growling stomach, her candle repeatedly went out as her frustration went up.

Her friends gently explained to her that in her rushing to be done, she missed her opportunity to slow down and rejuvenate her spirit.

We must all watch for burnout!

24-candle

I wish to walk slowly so my light stays lit.

How about you?  How fast are you moving?

You guessed it…

Yep.  Another post about lessons/metaphors about wearing my boot.

And you are saying, “Really?  Enough already.”  Not that you don’t care about my foot and feel bad about my injury.  You just really don’t want to hear about it anymore.

AND THAT IS EXACTLY HOW IT IS WITH HEALING FROM SEXUAL ABUSE.  I live with it day in and day out and most people, even though they sincerely care about me and feel bad, if they even know the extent of the trauma I have lived through, really don’t want to hear about it anymore.

But I think it is that way for everybody.  You lose a family member and people rally around you during the first week during the wake and funeral and then most people go back to living their lives and you are left to figure out how to move forward, never being the same.

You lose your job and everybody feels bad and says they’ll pray for you but then days, weeks and months go by with increasing difficulty to meet expenses.  And self-esteem beings to plummet and discouragement sets in.  But you keep plugging away, day after day, week after week, month after month.

Your kids go off to college, or get married, or move out of state and…you get the idea.

So what is my point.

I guess my point is:  Most people are wounded and we may or may not see the “injury.” 

I’d like to propose we slow down and talk to people.  Really listen to them.  Take 10 seconds to quiet ourselves and then reach out and listen to your neighbor or call a friend that has been on your mind.  I can’t count how many times I follow a prompting and send a text “Been thinking about you, can you talk?”  or make a call and the other person has been so grateful.

That is how I want to live my life.  No matter what I have been through, take the time to heal from my wounds so I am able to reach out and help others with theirs.

So I will take the time to do my physical therapy and apply the oils and pain creme and ice as needed so my foot gets better and be patient with myself and others as I heal.

How do you want to live your life?

Overweight means insecure?

I love Karol Truman’s book “Feelings Buried Alive Never Die.”  If you haven’t read it, she suggests that most of the physical ailments we have are a manifestation of the emotional pain that we have buried.  Since I pretty much ate my way through this past Christmas, I would like to highlight the condition of Overweight.

She suggests that being overweight may indicate feelings of insecurity, feelings of self-rejection, wanting to protect the body, seeking love and fulfillment, attempting to fulfill the self, feelings are being stuffed inside, unexpressed, mis-perceived and inappropriate feelings.  Well, some of those sure resonate with me.  Anyone else?  Since I was sexually abused as child during the Christmas season, I am thinking that is why I engorged myself this past yule. And the results of that binge are nasty considering I am co-founder of a wellness company that promotes an amazing Weight Release Program.  I should walk the walk, right?  Well, I am all the about “WHY” and I want to make my weight release permanent.  My goal is to have food be my fuel, not my tool.

dig-deep

So I need to dig deeper.  And if you know anything about digging deep, sometimes, it is shitting and smelly.  Well I am done burying the pain.  Step by step, bite by bite, I long for an “effort free Phase 3.”  ( For those not familiar with our program, Phase 3 is regular eating, limited sugars and starches, nothing off limits, but when hungry and in moderation.)  The good news is even though some times are dark and difficult, I can always get up and move forward.

Have you had an experience of digger deeper to get to the cause?

 

Work for Justice?

Abuse is funny thing. It seems that person abused continues to get abused even after the actual event or events have abuse phototaken place. It seems to me that when the abused has enough courage to reveal the horror of what happened to him/her, is it assumed that the abused is lying and that the abuser is innocent. Now I know there is a fraction, a much publicized sliver of folks who falsely accuse, who actually have created the situation for the rest of us. But I would venture to guess those that falsely accuse have some issue that they are seeking justice for, they just couldn’t get the right message through.

Other than the few previously mentioned, what does the abused have to gain by letting the “cat out of the bag?”

Peace of mind.

Which is something MasterCard and VISA cannot even come close to- though they market to those who are trying to find it. And that is a lot of us. I recall a bumper sticker that reads: “If you want Peace, work for Justice.” Well, I am not so sure about justice, but I need peace of mind.

I didn’t make everything up.
It isn’t all in my head.

But I have no one’s testimony but my own. And I have plenty to argue against me, and have been.

But I am grateful for the analogy the Lord has given me. If you have ever watched a boat go by, there is a wake in the water that follows it. A wake that travels longer and wider than the boat itself. If you missed the boat going by, but see the wake, you know that the boat has been by even though you missed that actual watercraft. The evidence of the wake proves the presence of the boat. That is how it is with me. No one saw any boats go by. But the wake of the sexual abuses that I have experienced is still rippling in the water to this day. So my conscious mind takes that as proof.

The mind is a powerful thing. As is the body. Or more specifically, body memory. If the world denies the abuse that the body and mind, conscious or subconscious, knows occurred, there is further abuse and the abused is further traumatized. So where is the justice and where is the peace? Not so sure about the justice for me at this point as I cannot afford any court battles, but I am looking for peace of mind.

I would venture to guess that those that don’t find it don’t stay on this earth for long. It is too painful. Where’s the justice there? But maybe they have peace. The God I know is merciful and Just. So I have to continue to trust that justice will eventually be done.

His Justice.
His Perfect Justice.
Which also brings His Peace.

Success.

Silent Islands

So many hurting people out there. And only a few talking- verbally anyway.

But I think the pain speaks volumes in our physical body.

I am thanking God for the healing that I have had and all the different things that I have felt and the skills of observation and knowledge that I feel He has blessed me with that is now helping the “Silent Islands” I am meeting every single week. Abused, defeated, self-punishing creations that need our Message of Hope. It is a tough journey though, but well worth it. Uncovering all the lies that are causing sickness and pain leads to freedom and healing.

I am praying the hurting souls will open their mouths and discover they are not the only one out there in the ocean of life. Each island is less that an arms length away. Imagine the land mass if we all could muster the strength to look up and reach out.

robben-island